Dating Someone with Past Relationship Trauma: What are the Signs and Strategies for Healing

Navigating the world of dating can be challenging, but dating someone with past relationship trauma adds another layer of complexity.

Understanding the signs and knowing how to support your partner can make a significant difference in building a healthy, lasting relationship.To fully grasp the impact of relationship trauma, it’s important to understand where it comes from and how it shows up.

Relationship trauma refers to traumatic events or experiences caused by someone with whom an individual has had an intimate relationship. This trauma can stem from physical, sexual, or emotional abuse experienced in past relationships, leading to long-lasting psychological and physical effects.

Being with someone who has experienced relationship trauma can be an emotional rollercoaster. You might find yourself feeling confused, frustrated, or even hurt by your partner’s reactions or behaviors. It’s common to experience a mix of emotions:

• Helplessness when you can’t seem to reassure your partner
• Frustration when trust issues arise despite your best efforts
• Sadness witnessing your partner’s pain and struggle
• Anxiety about saying or doing the wrong thing
• Love and a deep desire to help and protect

Your own reactions might surprise you. You may find yourself becoming more patient than you thought possible, or you might struggle with feelings of inadequacy when your attempts to help don’t seem to make a difference.

It’s always good to remember that these reactions are normal and that supporting someone through trauma healing is a process that requires patience, understanding, but remember, it’s not your job to fix them. Relationship trauma often requires professional guidance.

But here’s the thing.

You’re the one reading this article.

You’re the one looking for help.

It’s important for you, as the person in a relationship with a partner with past relationship trauma, to get help first.

It’s exactly like putting on your own oxygen mask first because it might take your partner a while to put on theirs.

Signs of Past Relationship Trauma

When dating someone with past relationship trauma, you may notice:

1. Difficulty trusting: They may struggle to open up or believe your intentions are genuine.
2. Heightened emotional reactions: Small conflicts might trigger disproportionate responses.
3. Fear of abandonment: They may become anxious when you’re not available or need space.
4. Avoidance of intimacy: Physical or emotional closeness might make them uncomfortable.
5. Hypervigilance: They may constantly look for signs that something is wrong in the relationship.

These behaviors stem from neurological changes caused by relationship trauma. The amygdala, responsible for processing emotions, becomes hyperactive, while the prefrontal cortex, which regulates emotional responses, may show reduced activity so the person is highly reactive and can’t think logically.

Strategies for Supporting Your Partner

If you’re dating someone with past relationship trauma, consider these approaches:

Practice patience: Healing takes time. Allow your partner to progress at their own pace.

Communicate openly: Clear, honest communication can help build trust and security.

Respect boundaries: Understand and honor your partner’s need for space when necessary.

Encourage professional help: Trauma-informed therapy can be crucial in healing past wounds. Here’s the thing. If you’re the one reading this article and looking for help, you’re probably the one who is looking for help and you can benefit greatly from therapy.

Who Really Needs Help Here?

The reason I am saying this is because I dated someone who had a daughter who had a substance use problem. Her substance issue affected her dad and also affected me.

So we would do tons of research about recovery and where she could go to get into recovery.

When I say we, it was her dad and me. Not her.

She didn’t want help. Things were working for her.

But they weren’t working for anyone else in her family.

When things aren’t working, that’s when people look for help. That’s why we were searching for help, not her. Things weren’t working for us.

Things were still working for her. She hadn’t reached the end of her rope.

But we had.

When I realized this, I got into therapy.

For me.

Because I was the one who needed help.

Does that make sense?

But here you are looking for help.

So let’s take a moment to a consider who might also benefit from healing.

It’s not your job to fix your partner’s past relationship trauma so the real question is: Can I accept this person exactly as they are, even if they don’t change?

Think about your past relationships, is there a pattern? Do you seem to attract partners who are emotionally reactive, avoidant, and challenging to be with?

And most importantly the question: What is it about me that makes me want to stay with this person against all odds? Can you see a pattern in your response to people with past relationship trauma?

Do you have anxiety about relationships? Could it possibly be that you have also experienced past trauma in your relationships?

If so, see if you can read this next section and get what it’s saying for yourself (not your partner – remember the oxygen mask strategy?

The Neuroscience of Healing

Research shows that healing from relationship trauma is possible due to neuroplasticity – the brain’s ability to form new neural connections. Positive experiences in a supportive relationship can help rewire trauma responses over time.

It’s important to recognize that relationship trauma can have far-reaching effects on an individual’s mental health and overall well-being. Individuals with relationship trauma may experience a range of symptoms, including low self-esteem, difficulties with setting boundaries, social anxiety, and problems forming healthy relationships.

Trauma Bonding

One key concept in understanding relationship trauma is trauma bonding. Sometimes, people develop a strong connection to partners who are causing them pain and difficulty, even when we feel we should leave.

Recognizing and addressing trauma bonds can be an essential step in the healing process for individuals with past relationship trauma and for those with partners who have past relationship trauma.

These effects can persist long after the traumatic relationship has ended, making it crucial for partners to approach the healing process with empathy and understanding.

Help is available for individuals seeking help, even if their partner is not interested.

If you have a partner with relationship trauma, it’s crucial to be aware of your own emotional needs and boundaries.

Right now, focus on you.

Being with a partner with past relationship trauma can be emotionally draining, whether or not they are getting help.

It’s important for you to practice self-care first to maintain your own emotional health.

Really ask yourself why you’re in this relationship. What are the underlying emotions that this relationship leaves you with? Is there a pattern in there somewhere?

This might be what you’re really seeking help for.

Put on your own oxygen mask and leave it up to the professionals to provide healing for your partner.

If they are ready for it, that is.

For now, focus on you.

If you’re dating someone with past relationship trauma, remember that self-care is the key.

Yours, not theirs.

So remember, while you can offer support, it’s not your responsibility to “fix” your partner. Professional help is most likely necessary for deep healing but it will only happen when they are ready.

Are you ready to breath again?