Heal From Betrayal By Changing Your Focus

My ex cheated on me.

My intuition was trying to warn me.

Numerous times.

He would gaslight me.

I would doubt my own intuition.

Whatever that was, it wasn’t the relationship that I thought it was.

I wasted my pretty on a man who was cheating the whole time.

They Didn’t Cheat On You

They cheated. But they didn’t cheat on you.

They cheated. Period.

Betrayal trauma can erode your sense of self, your sense of reality.

But one shift in perspective can change everything

The person who cheated did not cheat on you.

Their choices weren’t about you.

At all.

You absolutely weren’t a consideration.

Their betrayal, addiction, or whatever was /is going on with them was and is 100% theirs.

Not yours.

Maybe you were not getting along at the time and could have been a bit nicer but it still doesn’t matter.

Out of all the things they could have done for the relationship, they chose to cheat.

It was 100% their choice.

0% yours.

This one shift in perspective can change everything.

Why It Matters Who Owns The Behavior

I’m not saying to take on the role of the victim but don’t be the betrayed person that blames themselves.

What I’m saying is don’t take on the shame that isn’t yours

“Maybe I wasn’t enough.”

“Did I do something to cause this?”

Those thoughts feel automatic.

But they’re not true.

Your partner’s choices are not about your worth, your looks, your personality, or your mistakes.

It’s about their own shit.

Whatever it is they have going on.

Not you.

They chose to cheat.

That has nothing to do with you.

They didn’t tell you about it.

You probably discovered it on your own.

And they are still not telling you the whole truth.

Trickle truth. Small bits of what happened, trying to minimize what they did, causing even more pain and distrust.

They’re still trying to cover their ass.

But that’s ok.

You don’t need them to heal.

You don’t need the whole truth to recover.

You don’t need them to go to couple’s therapy.

You might not even need them to move forward.

The Day You Found Out Can Set The Tone

On Discovery Day—the day that you learned the truth—your brain probably went into overdrive trying to make sense of it.

If you can understand the betrayal is about the person who cheated, not you, it will change your recovery.

You will recover from betrayal without the added trauma of self-blame.

What Happens If You Take On The Blame

If you think you caused the betrayal, the healing process becomes even heavier.

It’s not just grief. It becomes shame.

The trauma becomes more complex and can impede recovery.

It makes it harder to set to trust your gut. To move forward.

The truth is, you had zero percent to do with the betrayal.

That matters.

Letting Go Of The Question “Why Me?”

It’s human to want answers.

But some questions keep you stuck and get in the way of focusing on the past instead of what is important to move forward.

“Why did they cheat?”

You will probably never REALLY know why they cheated.

They won’t tell you the REAL truth.

Even if they do, it probably won’t be the whole truth.

“Why did they do this to me?” can turn into “What’s wrong with me?”

Your brain can stay stuck in this loop.

If you’re looking to them for answers, you might be waiting for a VERY long time.

The answers will be found in your lane.

Stay in your lane.

Healing Starts With Reclaiming What’s Yours

Ask better questions, and as a result, you will get better answers

Questions like, “What do I need now to feel safe and whole again?”

Your healing won’t come from trying to fix them.

Come on back into your own lane and stay there.

That’s where the answers are. Over here where you are.

Not over there, wherever it is they are.

It’s about protecting yourself, rebuilding your sense of worth, and letting the responsibility land where it belongs.

Moving forward form the past is yours.

100% yours.

Let’s connect.